Kill ‘em all

Have you seen their teeth. Everyone has white porcelain teeth like those from a child doll in a 1980’s movie. The teeth have been transplanted from a third world tooth growing operation overseen by a shadowy overlord borrowed from a James Bond novel. The poor farmed children have their teeth extracted by injecting snake venom into their gums and the teeth fall simply out and are inputted into the these gumsy reprobates.

Please stop the pain

I don’t know who these people are (mostly) and I find it hard to find something to like in any of them. why should I care about a bint who’s claim to fame is who she’s engaged to! When did that become a career choice. I find Dani Behr objectionable, the same goes for the she-beast walking about with an inflated bust that no doubt helps when she over her own tongue having babbled yet another innanity. David Van Day wanders about like he’s missing a whole ship yard worth of screws, making him kinda likeable in a strange way. you have some guy from Blue - who makes little sense, some guys from East Enders who seems to be missing his mommy and was comforted by Timmy Mallet. And this is causing me pain but Timmy Mallet is the least objectionable moron on it. He’s actually kind of likeable, he’s always trying to see the best in people and is brow beat out of what evers going on. But like the little engine that did he keeps trying and hopefully he’ll win. And to add to the pain you have Robert Kilroy Silk - this MEP doesn’t even know who the fucking chancellor of the exchequer is!!!! Cock.

Let them all eat each other

If we could make it that they were on an island and the last celebrity standing won I’d watch this with more moral ease. A Battle Royale of celebrities. And no longer is their presence requested. We hold an online poll and the top twenty celebrities are taken on a Boeing 747 - with the help of every government service and dropped out a plane close to a random uninhabited island. Each has a gun with one bullet - so they can put themselves out of the pain they’ve created, a blunt knife, a trendy fruit like a pomegranate,  1/2 litre of petrol, 5 matches, a copy of their own autobiography. We would have it online 24/7 and all cash generated by the daily death toll would go to charity.

Right I’m off to flesh this out - tomorrow I’m going to have a real plan to send for MP approval and get this legitimised as an appropriate way to rehabilitate failing celbrity careers the world over. And if we can get enough countries to sign up we could hold an annual international ‘Celeb Royale’ where the winners of the national heats battle off against each other

• http://www.flickr.com/photos/leggingsfan/2261169079/
• http://www.flickr.com/photos/leggingsfan/2277070589/

Cheers to cheap clothes rule for the links.

Kid with Pet Zombie

Kid with Pet Zombie

Absolute genius.

Jesus Christ

Lunch with our Lord

Lunch with the lord at work - have you noticed he’s got no guys at the table - just girls. Jesus is a chick magnet!

Time to go. L8r

Halloween Costume 1- Wolverine

I’m thinking Super Hero. Its a standard campaign costume. May need washed but the old Argos bought Wolverine costume always does the trick. Yellow spandex and fake muscles!

wolverine costume

Halloween Costume 2 - Final Fantasy

I hadn’t even thought of this until I got sent to an Unwed Human Female post about Final Fantasy. With shots of characters from FFX2 in multiple get ups. A quick search or twelve later and I’ve found a winner. Not sure that I can get away with this much cosplay but I think the sweetie below can.

Final Fantasy Costume

Right am out of ideas - and I’m thinking I better get back to work. If anyones got any ideas let me know if the comments below or ping me on Tumblr.

Sayonara

I wish

So I thought I better make a post just to say that this blog isn’t sexist. It may not be to everyones tastes (if it were I’d be shocked). Anyway here’s todays pic, its from one of the latest photosets at last nights party.

The geniuses (may be genii) who design/market/produce Patersons Oat bits have added a new logo to show every one that their fucking oat cakes are now Orang-utan friendly! I kid thee not.

Paterson’s - Scottish Bakers since 1895 [Traditional with a Twist] - are orang-utan fucking friendly purely because they do not use palm oil. Why in the name of all that is sacred, reserved, pure and edible in this world would they use palm oil? Its not in the recipe (they use olive oil rather than bloody butter too the health concious freaks).

New Claims for Labels on Paterson’s Packaging

• Dolphin Friendly - Contains no dolphin (get more of the green market)
• Educationally Useful - Recent studies have shown that counting things is good for children, smash the oatcakes to tiny little pieces and get your little fucker to count them. Converts your kid into a human calculator quicker than plugging them into the mains and cross breeeding with an abacus
• Clinically Safe - there’s no risk that any food product of this sort sold in the UK would kill you (OK maybe some Cadburys Chinese chocolate or Pot Noodles may break this) but the fact that oatcakes are not going to kill you would work as a great additional marketing tool
• Paedophile unfriendly - protect children with oatcakes. They can throw the fucking rock hard crap at any paedophile who tries it on.

For more info about these stupid biscuits go to www.wildaboutoats.com

Right my spleen is vented - a bit - if you have any other things that Paterson’s should put on their oat cakes boxes stick it in the comments below.

I’ve still not going to buy an Apple Mac - I don’t care what Stephen Fry says (he almost convinced me but I’ve stayed resolute).

1. they do look lovely - so would be out fo place in my house
2. I like mice with two buttons not one (and buying a mouse with two buttons seems bloody stupid to me)
3. I don’t know anyone (except Stephen Fry and I’ve never met him so he doesn’t count) who I like who owns one

As an aside iTunes is a crap piece of software - say I want to add one album to my phone using my PC at home and this copy of iTunes contains different songs from my machine at work I often end up losing whole piles of songs. It even deleted my copy of house on the haunted hill that I bought just to see the quality of movie I could get. Why cant I just drag a song from my library to my iPhone and it’ll get transferred. Maybe the one fingered Mac using mutants can’t ‘drag and drop‘. Maybe its a ‘feature’ - this always seems to translate as a fuck up or design mistake that a company cant be arsed fixing.

This last point is my core problem with Apple stuff I have to relearn how to do things. I’m not an OAP, I’m not senile, I’m not an idiot but I have to go away and learn new ways to do things that should be intuitive. If you look at the new Google browser - it works and is a new way of doing things. But no one really noticed any great difference - they just had a larger space to view web pages.

Apple have made me try and relearn what I already know and it is making me angry.

Anyway ‘Lost Girls’ is pretty much smut boxed up as art. Nice if you like that kinda thing. Basically it takes charcters from literary history and sexualises them. So Wendy (Peter Pan), Dorothy (Wizard of Oz) and Alice (Through the looking Glass) take us on a strange erotic journey.  Book ones good and sets up the story lines effectively, book two loses its way and is pretty much just pornography in comic book form and book three closes the story lines off effectively.

Its an enjoyable, if occasionally weird journey and puts concieved ideas of certain literary characters into a perspective - I’d never once thought of what Wendy would get upto when she was older. Alice I’d always imagined being the Alice in Sunderland (I am really not looking forward to the Tim Burton version of the Alice story - 10 years ago I would have but I’m getting bored with Helena Bonham Carter being in everything).

Anyway its a fun series of books which challenge some preconcived ideas. I’ve stuck some pics below (warning some of these are a raunchy - you have been warned so no complaining):

Screenshots from Lost Girls

Alan Moore and Lost Girls on the Simpsons