I’m a celebrity… please kill me

There is a point when we all lose control of our ability to understand the world around us. Simple things become very alien: coffee strired anti-clockwise becomes demonic, the red glow of a television on standby makes us wonder who chose that colour light and what posseses ‘celebrities’ to star in ‘I’m a celebrity get me out of here’. And every year I think that the penny will drop and this show will go the way of the dodo and fuck off and die.

Kill ‘em all

Have you seen their teeth. Everyone has white porcelain teeth like those from a child doll in a 1980’s movie. The teeth have been transplanted from a third world tooth growing operation overseen by a shadowy overlord borrowed from a James Bond novel. The poor farmed children have their teeth extracted by injecting snake venom into their gums and the teeth fall simply out and are inputted into the these gumsy reprobates.

Please stop the pain

I don’t know who these people are (mostly) and I find it hard to find something to like in any of them. why should I care about a bint who’s claim to fame is who she’s engaged to! When did that become a career choice. I find Dani Behr objectionable, the same goes for the she-beast walking about with an inflated bust that no doubt helps when she over her own tongue having babbled yet another innanity. David Van Day wanders about like he’s missing a whole ship yard worth of screws, making him kinda likeable in a strange way. you have some guy from Blue - who makes little sense, some guys from East Enders who seems to be missing his mommy and was comforted by Timmy Mallet. And this is causing me pain but Timmy Mallet is the least objectionable moron on it. He’s actually kind of likeable, he’s always trying to see the best in people and is brow beat out of what evers going on. But like the little engine that did he keeps trying and hopefully he’ll win. And to add to the pain you have Robert Kilroy Silk - this MEP doesn’t even know who the fucking chancellor of the exchequer is!!!! Cock.

Let them all eat each other

If we could make it that they were on an island and the last celebrity standing won I’d watch this with more moral ease. A Battle Royale of celebrities. And no longer is their presence requested. We hold an online poll and the top twenty celebrities are taken on a Boeing 747 - with the help of every government service and dropped out a plane close to a random uninhabited island. Each has a gun with one bullet - so they can put themselves out of the pain they’ve created, a blunt knife, a trendy fruit like a pomegranate,  1/2 litre of petrol, 5 matches, a copy of their own autobiography. We would have it online 24/7 and all cash generated by the daily death toll would go to charity.

Right I’m off to flesh this out - tomorrow I’m going to have a real plan to send for MP approval and get this legitimised as an appropriate way to rehabilitate failing celbrity careers the world over. And if we can get enough countries to sign up we could hold an annual international ‘Celeb Royale’ where the winners of the national heats battle off against each other

This entry was posted on Monday, November 24th, 2008 at 2:28 pm and is filed under tokyito. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.